And there he was… just staring at the screen that presented sweaty men in football uniforms run around, taking turns touching different balls. Fourth down. And… AND…. TOUCHDOWN! He twirled around with a look in his eyes that I had never seen before, pure joy.
“Hell yeah! My team just won for this week!”
I gave him an expression of false care. “Oh, cool. Very fun. Wow. What a life.”
The truth is, I couldn’t care less about Fantasy Football or my fiancé’s interest in it. Do I like football? It’s alright. If Tom Brady is playing then hell yeah, I’m more into it than my fiancé. I mean, have you seen him??? I’d know how to handle his balls…if ya know what I mean. But in general, I do like football if I’m drunk and people are committing a lot of crimes on the field. The more it looks like a trashy reality tv show, the more into it I am.
But this whole Fantasy Football thing is bologna. It’s just a bunch of guys getting together and making each other either cream when their team wins or punch each other when they lose. I get sports betting, I really do. And creating your own team by choosing your favorite players (a loose term for boycrushes) sounds awesome in theory because, hello, the comfort you feel when you think your team is going to win. The general idea of Fantasy Football is awesome. It’s how guys react to it that is more annoying than Colin Kaepernick himself. Here’s why:
1. Draft Day is NOT a holiday. It’s just not. My birthday…now THAT is a holiday you should focus your attention on.
2. Group texts should be for gossip, life hacks, funny memes, and making plans. Fantasy Footballers think it’s for talking statistics, what player is eating shit on the field, who is doing well, trash talking, and god knows what else. Unless someone is blowing a ref during halftime, who really cares??
3. Getting demon eyes at each other for someone else’s (i.e. the players) mistakes is absolutely stupid. You can control who plays on your team, not their idiocy. Put down your fists and blame yourself for not being God.
4. IT IS ALL I HEAR ABOUT. Unless you are in the league, SHUT UP. I don’t want to listen to how “at least Andrew’s team is worse.” Nobody outside of your Fantasy leagues gives a shit and you are literally making us envy deaf people.
5. Fantasy Football takes the attention off of me. Am I an attention whore? Yeah, probably. But regardless of my level of neediness, I should still be able to talk about how I told some girl it was time to get a touch up on her hair without feeling like I’m talking to a brick wall that I want to bang, except it is too concerned about its quarterback that just got injured.
Is my fiancé perfect? Almost. This is basically his one flaw. I guess it could be worse. He could be cheating, or a drug addict, or a Florida Georgia Line fan. But that doesn’t mean Fantasy Football isn’t the devil and the people involved aren’t Satan’s minions. Because they are. Fantasy Football is hell on earth for those of us who don’t play. And no, I will not, EVER, indulge in such a manner. Instead I’ll just drink until football season is over. Good luck, liver.